Category Archives: Living

Sitting in a coffee shop

I’m sitting here in a coffee shop, sipping on an iced coffee…and wishing I were somewhere else.
Some place cool and relaxing…some place soaking up the sun and fun…some place where time just doesn’t move so fast. Where I don’t have to be responsible. Where I can just be.
Sometimes I’m so tired of living…and sometimes I feel as though I’ve barely begun.
So much left to do in this life…more that I’ll never see. And I don’t want to live with regrets.
That’s why I do the best I can. I fail…a lot of times at lots of things. But every once in a while, I get it. Those moments are worth living for…funny, but even the mistakes are worth it. Aren’t those the things that teach you? That help you to grow, to learn…to thrive?
So, my five minutes are up, and I must sally forth once more into the world. To make a couple more mistakes…and maybe I’ll figure some of them out before they happen.



25….stranger things have happened…

If you been following me long (kudos to you if you have; I know I’m a spacey writer!), you might have read my lead-up-to-24 posts about a year ago. You see, for me, the new year doesn’t quite start on January 1st….no. Since my birthday is only about two weeks later, that’s when I start my new year…another year older, another year wiser…well, let’s hope so.

I just finished reading through them (there’s only about 6-7, it didn’t take long–you can find them under my archives for January of 2011), and was contemplating my goals for this new year….


That seems….well, honestly, it’s so surreal. The fact that I’m going to be twenty-five years old….

So much has happened. So much hasn’t happened. So much has changed. So much is still the same.

But one thing I know for sure is different is this:

I’m done waiting.

Not in a “I quite” way…but a slow realization that I don’t have to wait anymore…for life. It’s happening all around me, and I’m happy. I’m fine with it…even a little excited.

I know some things will stay the same…and some will change. That’s the way of life.

But I hope my writing will be one of those things that changes. Not my writing style…but just that I’ll be, perhaps, in a new season of writing where I really accomplish something.

I have puppies again, so I know my social life will change…for a while, at least till they’re able to be on their own much more.  And then, there’s the whole pregnancy thing to look forward to (is there even such a thing as a dog midwife? ‘Cause I’m gonna need one!! Yes, I’m a wimp…), which will limit me again.

I also hope that my spiritual life will change…and keep changing. I want to realize at the beginning of each new year that I’m stronger in my walk with God than the one before. I want to have more joy, more love…and I want to be able to share that with the world (intensely private person, here).

I want to build new relationships…and cultivate the old ones.

I would love to travel to Europe (Italy, Scotland, Ireland, England, etc…) and Australia someday….but I know that’s not likely to change this year. So I’ll be content traveling to sunny Florida, exploring the Texas hill country, or traversing the great Rocky Mountains.

I’d like to have my own place…but instead, I’ll try to live peaceably in my parents household…and try not to take control of the things I shouldn’t.

I want to be more healthy…and this is something I can change…in moderation. Activity everyday; hopefully back to running once it warms up (and if my knees would stop acting up), some regular volleyball games, some serious sweating with my workout buddy, Jillian, and even learn some new dance moves (which one day I’ll be brave enough to do in front of *gasp* people!) with my dance workout routines. Try to make healthy choices in what I eat…and be more positive in my thinking towards myself.

Maybe I’ll finally find time to learn how to work that recording equipment…and use it. I hope that I’ll be able to work on my songwriting, as well as the other types.

I’d like to be married…but again, probably not gonna change this year. So like I said before, I’ll concentrate on the friendships God sends me this new year, and focus also on the ones He’s already given.

Which leads me to my word for 2012: LOVE.

Not the mushy, romantic type of love that, yes, every girl dreams about….but that love that Christ has for us. That sacrificial, brotherly love. The kind of love that puts others before ourselves.

Because that’s the kind love I’m going to be working on this year.


Put Yourself Out There….

and do some things that may be entirely uncomfortable during your life.
I decided to do this, courtesy of Cristina at The 100 Things Blog. Over the course of the next several years, I will write off each one…and maybe blog about it. We’ll see. 🙂
Also, it cannot be something that I have done previously (oh, how I wish I could with some of them!!), but rather, a new experience since making this resolution. What fun….and extreme embarassment….lie in store for me!!

  1. Be a touron for a day. I actually had to look this word up. What I discovered was…interesting. And, I think, shall be pretty easy for me. 🙂
  2. Make a list of 100 things that make you happy.
  3. Talk loudly in a made up language.
  4. Message in a bottle.
  5. Bake for a neighbor and go introduce yourself.
  6. Grow a plant.
  7. Sleep under the stars.
  8. Have a bonfire.
  9. Call every person you interact with by a pet name for a whole day.
  10. Learn to say hello in 15 languages.
  11. In one day, use 15 new words.
  12. Ride a rollercoaster.
  13. Don’t say anything self-deprecating for a day.
  14. Every time you criticize yourself, write down a positive thing about yourself.
  15. Ride on a motorcycle. Originally, this was a Segway…but I changed it due to improbability…or should I say, impossibility. The thing is entirely extinct.
  16. Piece (and finish!) a Queen size quilt.
  17. Volunteer for 12 hours straight.
  18. Take a martial arts class.
  19. Mismatch for a day
  20. Every time someone speaks, write it down in a journal for a day.
  21. Give inspirational notes to everyone you talk to for a whole day.
  22. Use a fake name all day.
  23. Don’t use your phone all day.
  24. Don’t look at a clock all day.
  25. Wear sunglasses all day (including inside).
  26. Laugh at everything people say for a whole day.
  27. Watch the 10 greatest american movies of all time.
  28. Eat something new and exotic.
  29. Go all day without complaining.
  30. Give a dollar to every homeless person you see (with a note).
  31. Compliment every person you buy something from for a day…sincerely..
  32. Open up to a completely random person.
  33. Acknowledge/write down every time you judge someone…then think of a positive attribute about them.
  34. Eat at a nice restaurant alone.
  35. Sing karaoke.
  36. Tell someone something you’ve always wanted to tell them.
  37. Be honest for a whole day.
  38. Clean a public square.
  39. Don’t say sorry unless you’re really sorry.
  40. Do something kind every hour for a day.
  41. Personify an alter ego for a day.
  42. Say hi to everyone you see for a day.
  43. Spend a day using the opposite hand.
  44. Go a day without utensils.
  45. Be goth for a day.
  46. Invent a new word everyday for a week.
  47. Volunteer at a new place every day for a whole week.
  48. Take pictures with a stranger in a photo booth.
  49. Live on a dollar a day for a weekend.
  50. Use the worst pick up line on someone. Honestly….this one’s gonna wait till I actually know (and am in a relationship with) the guy….is that cheating?
  51. Dance in a public place.
  52. Go for a run while dancing.
  53. Pay for the person behind you (gas, starbucks, etc).
  54. Run a lemonade stand.
  55. Arcade games in dress clothes.
  56. Go to a renaissance fair in costume.
  57. Write on the walls of the 10 people to pop up on your newsfeed (facebook)
  58. Cook enough food for 100 people and donate it.
  59. Give away one of your prized possessions to charity.
  60. Update your fb status at least 20 times in one day.
  61. Join a flashmob.
  62. Eat raw food for a whole day.
  63. Sit in one spot from sunrise to sunset.
  64. Go a week with no facebook.
  65. Play ping-pong.
  66. Write a love letter to yourself.
  67. Do yoga in a public place.
  68. Write down and tell, completely honestly to, the people who matter to you.
  69. Don’t look in a mirror all day and don’t primp (hair, make up, etc) for a day.
  70. Overcome an intense fear (give blood, touch a snake).
  71. Renew a relationship with someone you’ve lost touch with.
  72. For 4 days in a row, read at least 3 different newspapers (at least Wall St Journal, BBC, and New York Times).
  73. Arrange a lunch/coffee date with someone new.
  74. Buy something that you want, give it to someone else.
  75. Be as “green” as possible for a day.
  76. No caffeine for a week.
  77. Organize your own pick up sports game.
  78. Take pictures of a momentous occasion and don’t post them on facebook.
  79. Use an accent all day.
  80. Don’t talk behind anyone’s back for a day.
  81. Go all day without cursing. Ok, since that is not a normal thing for me, I’m gonna include the ‘tame alternatives’, such as gosh, nuts, dadgummit, etc, etc…..
  82. Give someone an anonymous gift.
  83. Find a new singer/band every day for a week- only listen to them each day.
  84. Attend a lecture out of your element.
  85. Attend a sporting event with face paint and a full outfit.
  86. Drink only water for a week.
  87. Use a fake name all day.
  88. Go to a party and dance. Again, was originally don’t drink…but I don’t normally anyway. I do, however, cling to the wall for dear life and avoid all eye contact in order to escape embarrassing myself through dancing.
  89.  Wear someone else’s shoes for a day (literally and figuratively).
  90. Learn how to make one amazing recipe.
  91. Ice Skate.
  92. Write your obituary.
  93. Write your will.
  94. Publish a novel. This is personally for me…if you don’t write, challenge yourself to write a short story.
  95. Eat every meal at home for a week.
  96. Break a bad habit (must keep up for at least a week).
  97. See a movie alone.
  98. Fly a kite.
  99. Ride a mechanical bull.
  100. Kiss someone in the rain.

Florida; Road Trip & Day One

Where do I begin? This trip was truly amazing, and for me, life changing. God addressed so many things, big things, in my life during this trip. He used the people there, circumstances, scripture, and His Holy Spirit to convict me, gently, of areas in my life that need Him. See my previous post for an example.

But this post is about pictures, the truly amazing people, and what exactly we did down there….scratch that. This post is part ONE of THREE…there was no way I was going to be able to fit the whole trip under one post. You’d totally get bored and skip the whole thing instead of just 65%. 😉 lol

Hope started out driving at 3:45 am on Wednesday (not yesterday, but the week before); I got to be her navigator, and KattyRae took the first shift of sleep. Soon enough, though, I was forced into the back, leaving those two totally irresponsible peeps up front on their own. 😉

I never had the opportunity (or misfortune, some might say) of sincerely regretting this arrangement, so that was a positive. 🙂

We finally made it to the state of Florida…and of course, we had to stop to record this historic event.

It is true, the sun IS  shinier down there!

We had a bit of trouble taking a group picture of ourselves by ourselves…let’s just say, my arms are not very long. And after numerous tries…

We took turns after that…

My sisters do sometimes need to be separated…

We had originally planned to arrive by 8:30pm…but our GPS told us it would be a whole hour earlier. After we called our friends to expect us then, we decided to make a slight detour around 6:45pm for gas and a quick Walmart stop. That ‘quick’ detour/stop turned into a 45 minute episode. Once we finally hit the road again, behind schedule, we kept wondering and driving, as our arrival time passed and our destination point didn’t appear. At last, we realized that our smart GPS wasn’t so smart after all…while I had assumed that since it used satellite it would have automatically taken the time change into affect, I had assumed incorrectly. So we finally arrived around 9:30pm, after keeping our patient friends waiting two hours. lol

We of course stayed up till 2am or so talking and catching up, then hit the Sanibel beach the next morning.

Hope comes very close to needing a membership at Beachaholics Anonymous.

And while KattyRae is quite attached to her camera, and takes amazing photo’s, there is a surprising lack of photo’s from her. 😦

Sweetheart Jessi

Inspirational Evelyn

Amazing Gaby

We picniced on the beach…

And walked around

Jessi’s Heart. When the sand was scraped away, you discovered a layer of broken shells underneath; it was so cool.

And, Jessi found a crab. See him, that little brown spot between those two white shells?

Kat and Evelyn quickly outpaced the other four of us, who would stop to examine every little thing. A plus of being in the rear…at some point, when it comes time to turn around, you are in the lead. 🙂

The beach was lined with shells and fragments. The actual sand is those dark gray patches…all the rest were shells.

We weren’t going to leave Sanibel without first finding the historic lighthouse…which was surprisingly hard to find for such.

But once we had, it was pretty cool. The beach around the lighthouse was really nice, too.

Once we had found and conquered our quest for the lighthouse, we piled back in the car, and headed straight to the W’s. Tim W. is dating my dear friend, Evelyn, and his parents had very graciously extended their dinner invitation to the girls to include my sisters and I. Their family is so amazing; I had not expected to find such graciousness outside of the deep South (another one of those slaps–remember Thor, I have to keep telling myself), and in many ways it exceeded the traditional hospitable south. Mrs Chris is such a sweet and godly woman; Mr Bruce was very nice; Josh and Alisha were a lot of fun to meet, along with their ‘baby’, Mikka, an American Eskimo; and Tim is a really great guy, I couldn’t be happier that Evelyn and he are dating. They all made us feel very welcome, and at home.

We visited for quite some time there, then finally headed back to the girls house. There, we chatted amongst ourselves, played a little Mario Kart on the Wii ( I primarily watched, as I was quite cautious of Wii, having little to no experience in it, and missing my brothers’ familiar Xbox), and settled in to watch the new Jane Eyre.

Let me tell you something; YOU. MUST. WATCH. IT. Sometime. It was really good…and I need to watch it with you, as I dozed off for about 30 minutes and woke up during the tense time of the movie. That was a little confusing. But I knew the story-line, so I was good. Mia Wasikowska….Jane Eyre, remember that.

By the end of the movie, it was 2am, so we all scurried off to bed. Which reminds me; those precious girls each gave up their rooms for us…Jessi to Kat and Hope, and Evelyn to me…Gaby shared her room with her sisters (and I know how crazy that can be at times!). We were so blessed, but there is no way they are going to do that again; next time we go down, we’re going as sisters, and such behavior is unacceptable. 😉

Days “2 & 3”, and “4 & Road Home” coming soon.

Don’t Give It Away; The last countdown.

There are only a few more hours left in this day…the last day in my life as a twenty-three year old. Hmm…funny, just how strange that sounds. I remember a time, not so long ago, when twenty-four seemed so far away; I thought my life would be so different than it is now. And as much as I desire other things in my life–as much as I look forward to being a wife, a mother, to brother-in-laws and more sister-in-laws, to more nieces and nephews, to seeing my dearest friends with children in their arms, to the excitement of making new friends, to the joys and adventures of following my man wherever the Lord leads him…well, I wouldn’t trade where I am now for that. God had, and still does have, a plan for my life. Those things are in my future; they aren’t my present, for good reason. There is so much I have learned. Things about myself, more about the struggles I face and their causes, and how to turn them over to God. I’ve learned to stand with confidence over the things I believe, over the hope that I have in my heart. I’ve learned, through much heartache and tears, how to be more loving and compassionate. I’m learning how to relate to my brothers (I know they say that women are the complicated ones, but believe me, guys, as a woman, I find you hard to understand much of the time). I’m learning that I’m not as wise as I once thought I was. 🙂 And I’ve learned that God is so much more than I could have have hoped or dreamed. He is there; He is always Himself, He doesn’t change on me. And though, at times, He can be hard, making me face things and truth that I do not like, He never leaves me…never disappoints, He is my constant, and more incredible than a gorgeous night sky of brilliant stars. I’ve learned to trust Him for my very life, a life that is here on earth only for the purpose of which He designed it….and that, when His purpose is accomplished through it here, He will call it home to Himself. I’ve realized the truth to “our lives are but a vapor”.


So even though twenty-three was so very hard, and I don’t really want to repeat it, I would never trade it. I learned too much to give it all away. And I am forever grateful for all that the Lord has done for me, through me, and in my life.

May God so bless me in the next year, as He has blessed me in the last. Amen.

The Joy of 2010; God is Good.

So, here I have been thinking of all the disappointment from 2010, and how I want to improve them this new year. But my sister, KattyRae, shared something indescribable on her blog. She reminded me of many WONDERFUL things that happened in 2010, people, events and things that have brought such joy into my life. I, on the other hand, was focused more on the disappointment that came with hope unfulfilled; as KattyRae put it, “I anticipated only one profoundly good thing”…when that good thing didn’t happen for someone I love, I focused on the disappointment of that. I can still look forward to that ‘profoundly good thing’ in the future; God still comes through on His promises, He just doesn’t always tell us when. I mean, I still get the joy of looking forward to it! And so much more….when I think of the future, I am filled with such an excitement, with hope and joy at what He will accomplish, what He will bring to pass in my life, and the lives of those around me. We will all continue to have our ups and downs, but God is always there, riding that roller-coaster with us.

So, here is my own list of surprising joys from God!

  • Just as KattyRae mentioned first, my niece was born!
  • I had six amazing girls to teach music to, and develop relationships with.
  • I saw the one-year anniversaries of two of my best friends, still going strong in their marriages.
  • I have begun to develop a deeper and more meaningful relationship with my father.
  • I have grown closer to my younger brothers, and specifically been granted several hours a week with my youngest, just the two of us, to talk about whatever with no interruptions.
  • I have witnessed my youngest brother grow tremendously in his walk with Christ, and into an amazing young man whom I am extremely proud to know!
  • My older ‘adopted’ brother proposed to a simply amazing woman!
  • I met some new young women who love the Lord, and encourage me to do the same; the makings of the best of friends!
  • I was allowed the joy of once again (junior assistant) coaching our SCHE high school girls volleyball team, and watching each of them grow as players and women.
  • I have watched my younger sister grow steadily in her relationship with God, despite obstacles she’s encountered all year. She has grown into an amazing women, & I can’t believe I get to be her sister!
  • I have had numerous people put into my life to encourage, challenge, and love me through the life God has for me.
  • Dear friends from the north finally made it down here after 12 years.
  • My mom, and three sisters (plus baby Paige!) took a girl trip to Texas; spent some incredible time with family there and dressed up for a fancy night at the Celtic Thunder concert.
  • I now have two new girl cousins, beautiful Kylee, and precious Kadence, who bring so much to that side of the family.
  • We had our first White Christmas in 14 years!
  • We made it to Camp Dixon this year, and enjoyed sweet fellowship and tons of fun!
  • I learned how to play ultimate frisbee. 🙂
  • God provided the funds for me to take another semester of ‘cello lessons from an extremely talented and incredible woman.
  • I took a floral design class from a leading, internationally known, florist.
  • Had season tickets to the MSU games (who knew I’d actually enjoy football?!)
  • Saw the third installment of the Narnian series.
  • Received several new, precious members in my church family; they each bring something special and previously missing to our group.
  • God has given me more clarity on what my life’s mission is, and an assurance of and confidence in who I am in Him.
  • I have grown stronger because of the trials, temptations, and disappointments of the last year.

All in all, I am so very grateful for the last year that God gave me. I thought I’d wasted it completely, that I hadn’t grown at all…but now I see that He was doing things in me; that in many ways I am stronger at the end of 2010 than I was at the beginning because of it.
I am even more excited at the possibilities of this new year; whatever God has in store, it will be incredible!


*This is so important to me, I’m posting it on both blogs…so forgive the repeat if you get it.

I was hanging out with a group of young guys and gals Sunday afternoon; had a great time. But, at one point toward the latter part of the day, ‘THE QUESTION’ came up.
People ask me what I’m doing…and I panic. ‘What in the world am I going to say? They’re gonna think I’m nuts!’

Truth is, I am.


Many of you who actually know me (yes, you select few who even bother to read this) know that I attended University for two years (last semester was spring ’09), and haven’t gone back. Why? Well, many of you know that I believe leaving was what God’s plan for me involved.
And many of you also think I’m a stark raving mad religious radical. At the very least, extremely foolish. ‘Don’t you know how the world works now? It’s the 21st century, not 1826!!’
Yeah, I do know that. But I also know that God’s word remains the same, be it 42 A.D., 1826, 2010, or 2140. Doesn’t matter what year; it has never changed, and will never change–it will always be. Will Bible-believing Christians say in 5 years that “Thou shall not murder” doesn’t apply to them ’cause it was written for people way back even before Christ’s time? No. But truth is, as humans, we like to pick and choose what we want to apply…and ignore what we don’t like, stating it as irrelevant.

I have always known what I wanted to do in my adult life; Broadway, recording artist, heck-the next Sarah Brightman. Haha…No, really that was what I wanted to do in between my childhood and adulthood (roughly between the ages of 15 & 18). But my adulthood? No, I wanted something far better. I wanted to be a wife, and a mother.  I’ve wanted that since I was five years old; probably before even. I could think of nothing better to devote one’s life to. My life to. I am neither at this time…I honestly don’t know if I ever will be. It doesn’t change the fact that that is the profession I wish to have. But…..’what if it never happens? What will you do with your life?’ Gee, I don’t know. But at 19 years of age I started to believe people when they told me I needed a back-up plan. So, college was the logical choice…music even more so. That’s what I studied for a year. Somewhere during my second semester, someone I greatly respect and admire told me that my back-up plan was equivalent to a medical student deciding to also study mechanics in case they couldn’t get a position after med school. Put that way, I realized how stupid what I was doing was. I was wasting money paying for an education I really didn’t need, and didn’t particularly want. So, I decided to leave school, and study home economics and management.

After a year of this…well, I started to listen to the world again. ‘You’re wasting your time at home. Only women who are too stupid to complete their education, who couldn’t be successful in the job-field no matter how hard they tried, stay at home with their families. You do this, and you’re proving that you are one of the useless, stupid ones.’ And if there was one thing I definitely didn’t want, it was to be considered stupid or useless. I didn’t leave because I struggled in my classes, and I wanted to be sure that everyone knew that. So, I went back. Even as I talked through it with my folks, as I went through all the motions of getting registered again, signing up for classes…I knew in my soul that I was doing this for me; I was certain that it wasn’t what God would lead me to do. Heck, I wasn’t doing it for myself, I was doing it for the world–for society’s expectations. And that semester was a wake-up call. It was probably the hardest season of my life….and trust me, in my twenty-three years I’ve been through some times of living h-ll.

I’ve grown up knowing my Bible. I know what it says on how we are to live. But that semester, God made it clear to me that I should be living my life, using my transition time, to prepare myself for my role. Titus two is what He showed me; “[Older women are to] encourage the young women (notice it does not say ‘young wives’) to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.” (Titus 2:4, 5) There are several things listed there that I can work towards; being sensible, pure, a worker at home, and kind. But I am not married, I don’t have any biological children; how can I love them if they don’t even exist? Proverbs 31:12 says that an excellent woman will “[do her husband] good and not evil all the days of her life.” Notice, it says ALL the days of her life–not all the days of her married life. This means, an excellent wife can do her husband good before they are man and wife, before she is of marriageable age…before she has met him, even. And what is love, anyway?

I like Merriam-Websters definition: An unselfish, loyal, and benevolent concern for the good of another.
I Corinthians 13 lists what God’s definition of love is. “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek it’s own good, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Love does not seek it’s own good. No back-up plans. It goes all-out for another. In order to love one’s husband- to love one’s children; one must understand the definition of love…must understand and be willing to commit to true love as defined by God. I wasn’t seeking the good of any other, I was looking out for myself in going back to school.
And finally, I received the final deciding word on what to do in I Corinthians 1:18-27. “…Where is the wise man?…Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through it’s wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe…Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong…”

I’m not saying that every woman who attends college or holds a college degree is/was outside of God’s will; we are all different, and God has different plans for us. But I do think that the woman’s place, as designed by God, is very different from where our culture places women now. I believe that the woman’s skills and talents are at most use in the home. And I believe that we women are greatly to blame for our country’s rapidly declining state. I am not saying men are blameless; ever since Adam and Eve, women have been stepping out in disobedience and sin, and men have passively stood by. Not all men, and not all women…but the greater part for sure. Our children are the shapers of tomorrow…if they do not have the proper, biblical upbringing that God intended, then how can we expect our country to be directed in God’s way? And if we do not walk in God’s path, how can we reasonably expect to receive God’s blessing upon our country?

“We are called to be women. The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman. For I have accepted God’s idea of me, and my whole life is an offering back to Him of all that I am and all that He wants me to be.” ~Elisabeth Elliot

So, yes; I am foolish…to the world I look insane. But God has chosen the things our culture considers foolish to put to shame all the ‘wisdom’ the world can muster. And, realistically speaking, I’d rather hear Christ call me wise than all the brightest professors of the world.

The Why Doesn’t Mean A Thing.

I had a lot to say; rather like venting I suppose. Not so much anymore…guess that’s what time gives you.

I’ve been thinking of a movie quote quite a lot today.
I watched “Breach” with my brothers earlier this week. It’s based on a true story, so this characters words may have been spoken by a real, genuine, person back in 2001. At one point in the film, Eric O’Neill, mentioning a discussion he’d had with his wife in which she asked him why his boss was such a pain to be around, tells Hanssen “I had all these answers for her. ‘He’s misunderstood.’ ‘He’s trying to fix the bureau and no one will listen.’ ‘He was born in the wrong century.’ ‘His father’s a jerk.’ I got a whole list.
But you know something Sir, at the end of the day it’s all cr-p. You ARE who you are. The why doesn’t mean a thing does it?”

Yeah, we all have these excuses for why we act as we do. Or to rationalize away why someone we love can just make us feel like dirt all the time. Often we try to rationalize that because we don’t want to face the truth and hurt that that someone, when it comes right down to it, really doesn’t care enough to make a change.

Hey, but leave off everyone else here. Forget about those people who you can’t explain. Think about yourself. Do you have excuses for your behavior? Do others make excuses for you?

“It is not what we say or feel that makes us who we are. It is what we do; or fail to do.”
Marianne Dashwood, in Andrew Davies adaption of
Sense & Sensibility

I can’t help feeling that there is something more, that I have a chance for something greater. To rise above the petty why. Not to allow myself to define myself; to make excuses for why I do what I do. Not by my feelings, my words, my status in life. Not by what others around me say or do, and why they do it.  No, but defined by what I choose to do, or that which I fail in.

Because, in the end, the why doesn’t mean a thing, does it?