Category Archives: Love

Not Quite So British

I’ve been meaning to post an update here for a while now…I just didn’t think this would be it.

My grandmother is in the hospital.

She has been fighting cancer for a while now….we’ve already had her longer than we should have. And today may not have been a terrible thing that happened; she’ll probably get to go home tomorrow. The doctors were hopeful. And my family of doctors and nurses looked relieved.

But for a bit there…it was scary.

Because I realized there’s so much left I have to say to her.

I have so much I want to tell her, so much to show her. I’m scared I’ll forget all those amazing things she taught me, or the stories she told. I don’t want to think about how hard it will be for my granddad if ever she’s not there.

That’s one thing about Pearson’s. They don’t show emotion…they don’t communicate affection. They don’t say “I love you”….unless it’s to a dog. We’re rather British in that way. haha. But today; I saw something different.

As we all sat around, laughing as my grandfather teased my (single) brother about catching himself one of the pretty nurses that filled the hospital; as my mom laughed and mentioned how my granddad thought everyone should get a nurse…because he had his eye on one oh so long ago. And he talked about how cute the nurses looked back in the day, with their white dresses, and little white caps…and then something magical happened.

As he smiled at my grandmother in her hospital bed, he said “She always was such a beautiful young thing”; and she just grinned back delightedly at him. And I saw it.

Such love between them both, it made my heart ache, and my spirit soar.

You could see it in their eyes. The worry in my granddad’s…the contentment in hers. The love that had only grown stronger with time.

He talked about how scared he was when she fainted today; how he was too old to be catching her…and when my older brother pointed out how he had done it anyway, my granddad just smiled, as if to say “And I’d do it a hundred times over”…because he really, truly loved her. She forgets things sometimes, now. And though sometimes he complains…he always takes care of her. And you can see it….you don’t always hear it…but it’s there, in his eyes.

You don’t always notice it….sometimes we Pearson’s appear gruff and stoic…but underneath, we’re not quite so British after all.

Hope To Inspire

A couple years ago, I started another blog, with one of those lesser known blog hosts..vox and then blogspot. This one (StoneRoseValley) had started to become slightly more regular with people I knew, and I had wanted a space to write what was on my heart…without anyone else knowing the writer (read, not having anyone ask me awkward questions).

But…I decided that I don’t need that anymore. I am who I am, a work in progress. I’m not perfect, nor do I ever wish to appear so. People learn from mistakes…they learn from yours just as much as you learn from theirs…or your own.

Every once in a while, I may pull an old post out of the archives there, and share it with you here…or maybe not. The past is in the past, and sometimes it’s best left there…yet, you can learn from it also. So, I won’t share everything (and I retired it, so don’t even bother looking), but I will look towards the future, using the past to grow in wisdom.

So, looking towards that future, I decided it was time for a change…my new inspiration comes from one of the first posts I had written:

 

Hope To Inspire

Like my dear Jane,

“I find, on looking into my affairs, that instead of being very rich I am likely to be very poor…It is as well…to prepare you for the sight of a sister sunk in poverty, that it may not overcome your spirits.”
Jane, in a letter to her sister, Cassandra.

Hope to inspire….what does it mean? Well you may ask. This blog and it’s title are born of many things; hope not the least. Hope that someday, I won’t echo Janes’ thought above with truth. Hope that a brighter day lies waiting tomorrow. Hope…faith, and those things unseen. Hope in Christ, that He is faithful. Hope that one day I may “hope to feel or inspire affection again”.
But that is my life right now. Hope. Inspiration. Thoughts, dreams, goals, even irritations. Those things that make us human: fear, sorrow, joy, pain, love, faith…and hope.

I’m starting a new journey; one that I invite you to share with me. Are you willing to ride with me, to risk comfort for what may come? Honestly, you’ll still be doing it in relative comfort, from that of your office chair…but still.
My thoughts I lay open…my dreams…even my heart. Tread light upon them.

But, as Jane  says

“Those who tell their own story must be listened to with caution….[for] seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not disguised, or a little mistaken.”
From Sanditon and Emma

Jane was incredibly wise….I hope to learn from her example. As you would be well to do. Sift what you hear…think on it, determining the truth in it…and then, only then, may I hope to inspire you.

 

25….stranger things have happened…

If you been following me long (kudos to you if you have; I know I’m a spacey writer!), you might have read my lead-up-to-24 posts about a year ago. You see, for me, the new year doesn’t quite start on January 1st….no. Since my birthday is only about two weeks later, that’s when I start my new year…another year older, another year wiser…well, let’s hope so.

I just finished reading through them (there’s only about 6-7, it didn’t take long–you can find them under my archives for January of 2011), and was contemplating my goals for this new year….

25

That seems….well, honestly, it’s so surreal. The fact that I’m going to be twenty-five years old….

So much has happened. So much hasn’t happened. So much has changed. So much is still the same.

But one thing I know for sure is different is this:

I’m done waiting.

Not in a “I quite” way…but a slow realization that I don’t have to wait anymore…for life. It’s happening all around me, and I’m happy. I’m fine with it…even a little excited.

I know some things will stay the same…and some will change. That’s the way of life.

But I hope my writing will be one of those things that changes. Not my writing style…but just that I’ll be, perhaps, in a new season of writing where I really accomplish something.

I have puppies again, so I know my social life will change…for a while, at least till they’re able to be on their own much more.  And then, there’s the whole pregnancy thing to look forward to (is there even such a thing as a dog midwife? ‘Cause I’m gonna need one!! Yes, I’m a wimp…), which will limit me again.

I also hope that my spiritual life will change…and keep changing. I want to realize at the beginning of each new year that I’m stronger in my walk with God than the one before. I want to have more joy, more love…and I want to be able to share that with the world (intensely private person, here).

I want to build new relationships…and cultivate the old ones.

I would love to travel to Europe (Italy, Scotland, Ireland, England, etc…) and Australia someday….but I know that’s not likely to change this year. So I’ll be content traveling to sunny Florida, exploring the Texas hill country, or traversing the great Rocky Mountains.

I’d like to have my own place…but instead, I’ll try to live peaceably in my parents household…and try not to take control of the things I shouldn’t.

I want to be more healthy…and this is something I can change…in moderation. Activity everyday; hopefully back to running once it warms up (and if my knees would stop acting up), some regular volleyball games, some serious sweating with my workout buddy, Jillian, and even learn some new dance moves (which one day I’ll be brave enough to do in front of *gasp* people!) with my dance workout routines. Try to make healthy choices in what I eat…and be more positive in my thinking towards myself.

Maybe I’ll finally find time to learn how to work that recording equipment…and use it. I hope that I’ll be able to work on my songwriting, as well as the other types.

I’d like to be married…but again, probably not gonna change this year. So like I said before, I’ll concentrate on the friendships God sends me this new year, and focus also on the ones He’s already given.

Which leads me to my word for 2012: LOVE.

Not the mushy, romantic type of love that, yes, every girl dreams about….but that love that Christ has for us. That sacrificial, brotherly love. The kind of love that puts others before ourselves.

Because that’s the kind love I’m going to be working on this year.

 

‘Tis the season…

…For weddings!

OK, technically, that season is May-August, and we’re nearly out of that last one…but a slew of weddings are coming up fast for me!

A family friend is getting married this weekend…and yes, I still have trouble thinking he’s old enough…I know he is, I know he is…..

An old friend from high school just got married. That completely shocked me. I really didn’t think he was old enough to get married, seeing as he was actually in his first year of JUNIOR high when I was a senior. I saw the announcement on Facebook today and just about fell out of my chair. I guess that means I am getting old….

A girl I’ve known for the past six years just got married last weekend.

Another old, old, friend is getting married in about a month. I’ve known this guy and his family for most of my life. It’s crazy, it’s fast….and it’s totally exciting! I’m so stoked for him. Of course, I don’t know the girl yet, but I’m sure she’s great. I also want to laugh madly, as he was one of those guys who I would have sworn wouldn’t get married till he was thirty…just ’cause he wouldn’t slow down long enough! And there is that  little fact that he used to swear up and down that it was a decade at least before he’d be ready. 😉

And then, I have another amazingly dear friend getting married a month after that! This pace is crazy…but I came to the realization that I’m completely happy and excited for them all.

That’s it. I’m not jealous of where they are in life; I’m not sitting here wishing that I could be planning my wedding, or that I had someone special like that in my life. No, I am honestly and utterly happy for them. And happy about where I am…content. And I realize that, once again, God does answer prayer. I had grown so tired of seeing that green-eyed monster lurking on the outskirts of weddings. I recently asked God to keep my heart, lock and key, with Him…saving me from all such feelings until His timing for me had come. And He’s proven faithful, even in this instance. I’m excited about where God is taking my friends…and for what He has planned for me, in the here and now, not just the future.

I often wondered when, if ever, I’d be able to say this and truly mean it with every ounce in my body. Now I can.

I am content.

I Believe

“I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing; kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles”. ~Audrey Hepburn

Found What I Was Looking For

“Have you ever wanted to be someone else?
Have you ever wanted just to be someone?
Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams?
Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems?
I have tasted of a love so wide, that it stops all my time.
I have tasted of a love so deep, that it blows my mind.

Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky?
Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say good-bye?
Have you ever wanted someone to care?
Have you ever wanted someone to be there?
I have tasted of a love so wide, that it stops all my time.
I have tasted of a love so deep, that it blows my mind.

He is sweet…He is sweet. What you’re looking for is my sweet, sweet Jesus.
What you’re looking for is my sweet Lord.”

This whole summer, God has been preparing my heart for…something. I did not know what He was going to tell me, all He revealed at the time was that something in my life was going to change. I could let my mind run away with the millions of different things that could mean…but always, He kept bringing me back. He is going to change whatever He wants. He will bring about His will in my life. All I must do is wait, watch, and then act on what He gives me.

Well, I found what I was looking for. God revealed some of those changes that He wished to accomplish in my life.And most of them have nothing to do with going somewhere new, or drastically changing my lifestyle. No. They are changes He wishes to make within me.

Some of them are kind of hard to look at, yet, I am filled with such an excitement, to know that God is doing things in my life, that I no longer care about the pain that may come along when addressing these issues in my life. In fact, I welcome it; knowing that there are things in my life surrounded by pain, and kept that way, because I would not allow God access to them…until now. And I realize that what I thought would be even worse than that pain (having God near it to see and touch it), is so much better. So much more.

As believers we build our lives around so much…some of it quite good, such as God’s word. That is what we should be striving for. But if we are not careful, we can become hardened…we can become as the Pharisees’, holding to the letter of the law, but having no real love for our God, no relationship with our Christ. If we are not careful, we can be choked out by the cares of this world…by the deceitfulness of sin.

I know that there are many things God wants to change about me…some that He has brought to my attention now, and others that He will deal with at some future date. But one thing He is talking to me about now is joy.
Psalm 51:12 “Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit.”
I always thought that meant that God had a willing spirit to sustain me…but other versions say “grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me”, “make me willing to obey You“…in other words, in order to be sustained, I must be willing to submit myself to Him, to accept what He brings. I realize that I have allowed myself to steal the joy God had given, the joy of His salvation, all the while expecting Him to do all the work in restoration. I must be willing. That is, I must be willing to do what He says, to search the scriptures, and to once again, choose joy in my life.

I was so convicted of this area of sin in my life during this past trip to Florida. My dearest friends and sisters there are such instruments of God’s joy…I am with them but minutes, and I know that God is there in their midst; there is no doubt that they love Christ, that they are willing to be used by and of Him, and that His Spirit dwells within them. Joy radiates from within them. They are such encouragement to me, and I love and miss them like crazy.

This is a sermon series on Joy by John MacArthur; my dear friend Evelyn passed it on to me after one of our discussions.

I (like many another fellow believer, I am sure) have such longings within my soul…longings that can only be satisfied by Christ. But on this trip, I have tasted of a love so wide…I have tasted of a love so deep…what I am looking for is my sweet Jesus. When you taste of His love, nothing else looks as sweet. When you catch a closer glimpse of His majesty, you never want to go back.

Day One, A Favorite Song

That is a tough question to answer. If you know me, you know I LOVE music, so it’s hard to pick just one.

Ever since I first heard this song (then performed by a much younger Damian), I fell in love with it. This song is an echo of my heart….a bird without wings is lost, a world without music is hopeless, and life without loved ones (and Christ, as I feel this song applies to as well) is empty.

“I get so lonely, when you’re away. I count every moment, I wait every day, until you’re home again, and hug me so tight; that’s when I know everything is alright.
Like a bird without wings that longs to be flying. Like a motherless child left lonely and crying. Like a song without words, like a world without music;
I wouldn’t know what to do, I’d be lost without you watchin’ over me.
You’re my guardian angel, my light and my guide. Your hand on my shoulder, and you by my side. You make everything beautiful, you make me complete. Everything in my world, I lay at your feet…”

BUT

I couldn’t just put one song on here….there are far too many to pick from. So I decided that I was going to share with you two songs that are in my favorites list (please note that these are not my two favorite songs ever, I probably have about 9-12 that fit into that category).

My second pick to share with you is just great. Catchy beat and tune, touching lyrics…we all long to have someone who truly cares for us…who was created to be our other half;

“I’ll be waiting for the real thing, I’ll know it by the feeling…So I’ll be holding my breath, right up ’til the end, until that moment when I find the one that I’ll spend forever with.
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there, everyone wants to feel like someone cares. Someone to love with my life in their hands; there’s gotta be somebody for me like that.
Cause nobody wants to do it on their own, and everyone wants to know they’re not alone. There’s somebody else that feels the same somewhere; there’s gotta be somebody for me out there.”

This song has a pretty crazy (and I mean that in a good way!) music video to go along with it, however, embedding was restricted on it. Head over to this youtube video to see it.

So what about it? You have a favorite (or two, hehe!) to share?

You are Beautiful…you really are.

I have often been told I’m a confident person.
For someone so confident, I sure have low self-esteem. How’s that work, anyway?

Tonight my brother and I were driving home after cleaning the church. We usually talk about this and that…but at this time, there was just silence, I guess we both had a lot to think about. And this song came on the radio, following J.J. Heller’s “What Love Really Means” (a song that already had me feeling raw), and I seriously wanted to just pull over onto the shoulder of the road and cry my heart out.

The days will come when you don’t have the strength; when all you hear is ‘you’re not worth anything’. Wondering if you ever could be loved, and if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much.”
They were singing a cry of my heart, right there on the radio…and in that moment, I was the only one listening.
I struggle much more these days…It’s hard to believe anyone else see’s something special, precious, and beautiful in you when you don’t believe it yourself. When you look at yourself, and you see it’s not true. Only you know just how dirty, disgusting, how utterly repulsive you really are. And you ask yourself who could see anything in that?
I look in the mirror, and hate myself…I hate how fat I am. I dislike this or that feature. I go through the pain of this illness, with all the horrid, crippling side effects, and hate what it makes me become, what it does to me as a person, my character. I look at my selfish, dirty heart, my lack of compassion, the harshness of my life, and I hate who I am.

And you ask yourself WHO could see anything in that? Who, indeed….But Someone did. The best we have to offer is disgusting, filthy rags, but still He loved us…to the point that He took the bullet for us, so to speak. That’s the ultimate love, for the least of us…for me.

I was spoken to specifically tonight, through that radio, not as one in a group of a hundred…but me, only me. And I knew in that instant that God did love me, for me.  That He does treasure me as His…if no-one else ever saw, if no-one ever wanted me, loved me for who I really am, not just for what’s on the surface, He will still love me. And that should be enough.

The days will come when you don’t have the strength; when all you hear is ‘you’re not worth anything’. Wondering if you ever could be loved, and if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much.
You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are made for so much more than all of this. You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His; you’re beautiful.
I’m praying that you have the heart to find, cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight. For all the lies you’ve held inside so long, they are nothing in the shadow of the cross.
You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are made for so much more than all of this. You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His; you’re beautiful.

Before you ever took a breath, long before the world began. Of all the wonders He possessed, there was one more precious; of all the earth and skies above you’re the one He madly loves…
Enough to die.
You are beautiful. You’re beautiful in His eyes.
You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are made for so much more than all of this. You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His; you’re beautiful.