Tag Archives: Love

Not Quite So British

I’ve been meaning to post an update here for a while now…I just didn’t think this would be it.

My grandmother is in the hospital.

She has been fighting cancer for a while now….we’ve already had her longer than we should have. And today may not have been a terrible thing that happened; she’ll probably get to go home tomorrow. The doctors were hopeful. And my family of doctors and nurses looked relieved.

But for a bit there…it was scary.

Because I realized there’s so much left I have to say to her.

I have so much I want to tell her, so much to show her. I’m scared I’ll forget all those amazing things she taught me, or the stories she told. I don’t want to think about how hard it will be for my granddad if ever she’s not there.

That’s one thing about Pearson’s. They don’t show emotion…they don’t communicate affection. They don’t say “I love you”….unless it’s to a dog. We’re rather British in that way. haha. But today; I saw something different.

As we all sat around, laughing as my grandfather teased my (single) brother about catching himself one of the pretty nurses that filled the hospital; as my mom laughed and mentioned how my granddad thought everyone should get a nurse…because he had his eye on one oh so long ago. And he talked about how cute the nurses looked back in the day, with their white dresses, and little white caps…and then something magical happened.

As he smiled at my grandmother in her hospital bed, he said “She always was such a beautiful young thing”; and she just grinned back delightedly at him. And I saw it.

Such love between them both, it made my heart ache, and my spirit soar.

You could see it in their eyes. The worry in my granddad’s…the contentment in hers. The love that had only grown stronger with time.

He talked about how scared he was when she fainted today; how he was too old to be catching her…and when my older brother pointed out how he had done it anyway, my granddad just smiled, as if to say “And I’d do it a hundred times over”…because he really, truly loved her. She forgets things sometimes, now. And though sometimes he complains…he always takes care of her. And you can see it….you don’t always hear it…but it’s there, in his eyes.

You don’t always notice it….sometimes we Pearson’s appear gruff and stoic…but underneath, we’re not quite so British after all.

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“Steps”

Trailing up, the steps to fame; take them one at a time…they always seem to stretch further. The cool stone underneath your feet  invites you to stop, to rest your weary bones. The buildings, windows staring like eyes out at your defeat, tower to the skies. It is easier going down, but the reward seems not as sweet. If you only make it to the next landing, your soul would be content.

~
Trailing up, the steps to love; take them one at a time. The heart yearns for companionship, but no one seems to fit. Keep climbing upwards, the song of the swallow urging you to know, the one you look for is just ahead, if only you do not stop.

~
Trailing up, the steps to heaven; someday you will arrive. The path there is steep, many doors along the way. Take one, any one; a garden gate, a lovers’ door. Each promises rest and pleasure, but in the end, they only conspire to keep you from your destination. A gentle breeze ruffles through your hair, giving you a taste of heaven, soft and sweet, of those that wait for you. Keep faithful, one foot in front of the other; one day you will arrive.

 

I Believe

“I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing; kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles”. ~Audrey Hepburn

Cloudy with scattered Sunshine…

seems to be my life these days. I’m not saying this as a plea for pity…it’s just a statement. One which acknowledges the grace given through that sunshine, sporadic though it may seem. I’m learning–I’ve been learning for quite some time, actually–to truly appreciate the sun through those clouds…what’s that saying about never really knowing what you got till it’s gone?

I’m learning to be 100% grateful for the good days, the clear days, and try to use them the best I can. Not necessarily pack the most stuff I can in…it’s quality, not quantity, you know.

I’m learning that my life is gonna be different then what I had planned at sixteen. That I do what I can. That I don’t plan my activities, my schedule, to please men…but God. Even if my best looks like mediocre at most to those around me, if it’s done for Christ, that’s all that matters. He sees what goes into it, whether my heart was in it or not…where my priorities where; and His opinion is really all that matters. But I dearly love the approval of man…who doesn’t?

I watched a movie tonight…(spoiler alert!) called MY GIRLFRIENDS BOYFRIEND…it was highly annoying most of the time; I saw the surface, looked at appearances rather than what lay beneath the story. I fell for Ethan…and couldn’t understand why a girl would play him like that when he was so clearly special. He wasn’t perfect…but he was good. He was solid, he was sweet. He was funny, talented, annoying at times, fun to be with, great with kids, had a loving relationship with his sister and her family; he was a guy who wasn’t ‘hero worthy’, or perfect, but he was a guy worth it. Most of my reservations were dispelled at the end when every action was made clear.

And then I wondered, through my tears at the amazingly beautiful character of this young man….I wondered if I’d ever meet someone like that? Someone I could just be friends with, who I could hang out with, and be relaxed and free. Someone who’d love me anyway, despite my many imperfections. Someone who would marry me even if I could never have his kids. Would I matter that much to someone? I think I cried as much for myself as at the sweet ending to this movie.

Maybe someday…

You are Beautiful…you really are.

I have often been told I’m a confident person.
For someone so confident, I sure have low self-esteem. How’s that work, anyway?

Tonight my brother and I were driving home after cleaning the church. We usually talk about this and that…but at this time, there was just silence, I guess we both had a lot to think about. And this song came on the radio, following J.J. Heller’s “What Love Really Means” (a song that already had me feeling raw), and I seriously wanted to just pull over onto the shoulder of the road and cry my heart out.

The days will come when you don’t have the strength; when all you hear is ‘you’re not worth anything’. Wondering if you ever could be loved, and if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much.”
They were singing a cry of my heart, right there on the radio…and in that moment, I was the only one listening.
I struggle much more these days…It’s hard to believe anyone else see’s something special, precious, and beautiful in you when you don’t believe it yourself. When you look at yourself, and you see it’s not true. Only you know just how dirty, disgusting, how utterly repulsive you really are. And you ask yourself who could see anything in that?
I look in the mirror, and hate myself…I hate how fat I am. I dislike this or that feature. I go through the pain of this illness, with all the horrid, crippling side effects, and hate what it makes me become, what it does to me as a person, my character. I look at my selfish, dirty heart, my lack of compassion, the harshness of my life, and I hate who I am.

And you ask yourself WHO could see anything in that? Who, indeed….But Someone did. The best we have to offer is disgusting, filthy rags, but still He loved us…to the point that He took the bullet for us, so to speak. That’s the ultimate love, for the least of us…for me.

I was spoken to specifically tonight, through that radio, not as one in a group of a hundred…but me, only me. And I knew in that instant that God did love me, for me.  That He does treasure me as His…if no-one else ever saw, if no-one ever wanted me, loved me for who I really am, not just for what’s on the surface, He will still love me. And that should be enough.

The days will come when you don’t have the strength; when all you hear is ‘you’re not worth anything’. Wondering if you ever could be loved, and if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much.
You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are made for so much more than all of this. You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His; you’re beautiful.
I’m praying that you have the heart to find, cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight. For all the lies you’ve held inside so long, they are nothing in the shadow of the cross.
You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are made for so much more than all of this. You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His; you’re beautiful.

Before you ever took a breath, long before the world began. Of all the wonders He possessed, there was one more precious; of all the earth and skies above you’re the one He madly loves…
Enough to die.
You are beautiful. You’re beautiful in His eyes.
You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are made for so much more than all of this. You are beautiful. You’re beautiful. You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His; you’re beautiful.

William Shakespeare and Love

Here are some of my favorite quotes on love from William Shakespeare; I hope that you enjoy them as much as I.

“Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?”

“Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.”

“Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.”
Romeo & Juliet

“Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.”
Hamlet

“Time is very slow for those who wait,
Very fast for those who are scared.
Very long for those who lament,
Very short for those who celebrate.
But for those who love time is eternal.”

“If you love and get hurt, love more.
If you love more and hurt more, love even more.
If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more…”

“Come, gentle night; come, loving, black-browed night;
Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night…”
Romeo & Juliet

THE QUESTION

*This is so important to me, I’m posting it on both blogs…so forgive the repeat if you get it.

I was hanging out with a group of young guys and gals Sunday afternoon; had a great time. But, at one point toward the latter part of the day, ‘THE QUESTION’ came up.
People ask me what I’m doing…and I panic. ‘What in the world am I going to say? They’re gonna think I’m nuts!’

Truth is, I am.

Background.

Many of you who actually know me (yes, you select few who even bother to read this) know that I attended University for two years (last semester was spring ’09), and haven’t gone back. Why? Well, many of you know that I believe leaving was what God’s plan for me involved.
And many of you also think I’m a stark raving mad religious radical. At the very least, extremely foolish. ‘Don’t you know how the world works now? It’s the 21st century, not 1826!!’
Yeah, I do know that. But I also know that God’s word remains the same, be it 42 A.D., 1826, 2010, or 2140. Doesn’t matter what year; it has never changed, and will never change–it will always be. Will Bible-believing Christians say in 5 years that “Thou shall not murder” doesn’t apply to them ’cause it was written for people way back even before Christ’s time? No. But truth is, as humans, we like to pick and choose what we want to apply…and ignore what we don’t like, stating it as irrelevant.

I have always known what I wanted to do in my adult life; Broadway, recording artist, heck-the next Sarah Brightman. Haha…No, really that was what I wanted to do in between my childhood and adulthood (roughly between the ages of 15 & 18). But my adulthood? No, I wanted something far better. I wanted to be a wife, and a mother.  I’ve wanted that since I was five years old; probably before even. I could think of nothing better to devote one’s life to. My life to. I am neither at this time…I honestly don’t know if I ever will be. It doesn’t change the fact that that is the profession I wish to have. But…..’what if it never happens? What will you do with your life?’ Gee, I don’t know. But at 19 years of age I started to believe people when they told me I needed a back-up plan. So, college was the logical choice…music even more so. That’s what I studied for a year. Somewhere during my second semester, someone I greatly respect and admire told me that my back-up plan was equivalent to a medical student deciding to also study mechanics in case they couldn’t get a position after med school. Put that way, I realized how stupid what I was doing was. I was wasting money paying for an education I really didn’t need, and didn’t particularly want. So, I decided to leave school, and study home economics and management.

After a year of this…well, I started to listen to the world again. ‘You’re wasting your time at home. Only women who are too stupid to complete their education, who couldn’t be successful in the job-field no matter how hard they tried, stay at home with their families. You do this, and you’re proving that you are one of the useless, stupid ones.’ And if there was one thing I definitely didn’t want, it was to be considered stupid or useless. I didn’t leave because I struggled in my classes, and I wanted to be sure that everyone knew that. So, I went back. Even as I talked through it with my folks, as I went through all the motions of getting registered again, signing up for classes…I knew in my soul that I was doing this for me; I was certain that it wasn’t what God would lead me to do. Heck, I wasn’t doing it for myself, I was doing it for the world–for society’s expectations. And that semester was a wake-up call. It was probably the hardest season of my life….and trust me, in my twenty-three years I’ve been through some times of living h-ll.

I’ve grown up knowing my Bible. I know what it says on how we are to live. But that semester, God made it clear to me that I should be living my life, using my transition time, to prepare myself for my role. Titus two is what He showed me; “[Older women are to] encourage the young women (notice it does not say ‘young wives’) to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.” (Titus 2:4, 5) There are several things listed there that I can work towards; being sensible, pure, a worker at home, and kind. But I am not married, I don’t have any biological children; how can I love them if they don’t even exist? Proverbs 31:12 says that an excellent woman will “[do her husband] good and not evil all the days of her life.” Notice, it says ALL the days of her life–not all the days of her married life. This means, an excellent wife can do her husband good before they are man and wife, before she is of marriageable age…before she has met him, even. And what is love, anyway?

I like Merriam-Websters definition: An unselfish, loyal, and benevolent concern for the good of another.
I Corinthians 13 lists what God’s definition of love is. “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek it’s own good, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Love does not seek it’s own good. No back-up plans. It goes all-out for another. In order to love one’s husband- to love one’s children; one must understand the definition of love…must understand and be willing to commit to true love as defined by God. I wasn’t seeking the good of any other, I was looking out for myself in going back to school.
And finally, I received the final deciding word on what to do in I Corinthians 1:18-27. “…Where is the wise man?…Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through it’s wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe…Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong…”

I’m not saying that every woman who attends college or holds a college degree is/was outside of God’s will; we are all different, and God has different plans for us. But I do think that the woman’s place, as designed by God, is very different from where our culture places women now. I believe that the woman’s skills and talents are at most use in the home. And I believe that we women are greatly to blame for our country’s rapidly declining state. I am not saying men are blameless; ever since Adam and Eve, women have been stepping out in disobedience and sin, and men have passively stood by. Not all men, and not all women…but the greater part for sure. Our children are the shapers of tomorrow…if they do not have the proper, biblical upbringing that God intended, then how can we expect our country to be directed in God’s way? And if we do not walk in God’s path, how can we reasonably expect to receive God’s blessing upon our country?

“We are called to be women. The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman. For I have accepted God’s idea of me, and my whole life is an offering back to Him of all that I am and all that He wants me to be.” ~Elisabeth Elliot

So, yes; I am foolish…to the world I look insane. But God has chosen the things our culture considers foolish to put to shame all the ‘wisdom’ the world can muster. And, realistically speaking, I’d rather hear Christ call me wise than all the brightest professors of the world.

The Blues…and Getting Over Them.

What is wrong with me?

I’ve been asking myself that question for a long time now. Each time, I acknowledge the fact that I face depression. But each time, something inside me doesn’t want to admit to that, and it sets about covering up that fact with a lie. “It’s not depression, you just have to get your act together”…..”you’re fine…you’re normal” but not true. A friend and I discussed just the other night how there really is no such thing as normal. But that’s beside the point.
I picked up a book by Leslie Vernick yesterday. Listen to these excerpts;

Walking Out Of Darkness Into Light
‘We look for light, but all is darkness; for brightness, but we walk in deep shadows.’ Isaiah 59:9

“Some women don’t even realize that the symptoms they are experiencing are depression. Instead, they may complain of endless fatigue (I do!), various aches and pains (got those), mental slowness or confusion (check!), memory lapses (definitely have those!), insomnia (yes), irritability (don’t believe me? Ask my family!), sadness (is there a cure?), and a nagging feeling of emptiness that won’t go away (I really hate the emptiness!).

Even when a women’s depression is physiologically based, depression always affects her relationship with herself, others, and God, which often triggers a downward spiral of guilt, blame, and self-hatred with negative thoughts, as well as sad, unhappy, and anxious feelings (I know mine has had just this affect on me!).

I want to help you know God better so that you will experience His love for you. Love is absolutely essential to our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health, and I want you to know and trust deep within your heart that no one loves you more than God does right now. I also want you to learn now to love others well and to be loved in return. I am not alone in wanting these things for you. God wants these things for you too.

If your depression has been chronic or recurrent, you know that feeling better may be temporary. In order to gain the ability to fight future bouts of depression, you must begin to see yourself, God, and others differently. You must learn healthier and more truthful ways of thinking, feeling, and living with yourself and with others. These skills are not usually mastered easily or quickly, and they take repeated practice, as with any other new skill, in order for them to feel a natural part of who you are.

It is my prayer that you will have the rich experience of knowing God as your Comforter, Healer, Redeemer, and Restorer. He wants you to know that you are not worthless, things are not hopeless, and that you are not helpless. You are not alone. He will help you fight this battle!”

‘He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.’ Psalm 18:16-17